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This page contains a transcript of the dialogue and messages associated with completing tasks and obtaining advice, as well as the Boss dialogue.

Tasks

Memos

MEMORANDUM

A new Task has been unlocked:

Tasks

SCORPIONS!!

(on killing a scorpion)

You've killed __ Scorpion(s)!

LOST TEETH

(on collecting a tooth)

You've collected __ tooth/teeth!

JUST A REMINDER

Samuel
Yes, hello, I'm Samuel. Do you want me for something?
Ah, blast! The Report! I forgot all about that! I suppose I'd better report to the Boss, then!
...Well, I mean, I will in a minute. When you're not looking. I can't do it when you're looking.

STRANGE NOISES

Moanin' Morris
Noises, y'say? Aye, that'd be me, I reckon. See, I've been trapped in 'ere for a mule's age, an I've gone an' died an all that.
It can get to a bloke, dyin' an' inexplicably raisin' as a walkin' skeleton. So I s'pose I moan to keep away the madness.
I'll shut mesel' up if y'want, so that's that, then. Be off on yer merry way, now, m'lad! Unlike me, you've got some living' to be doin'!

OOPS

(on talking to a person)

You've talked to __ person/people!
Sophie
Yes? Who are you? What? The Boss sent *you* to apologise for what he did?!
Why, I'm outraged! That's ridiculous! I need to hear it from him, not from some stranger, and besides, words won't cut it! I want him out on the streets!
It's not your fault though... You're just doing your job. I suppose I can accept this... for now.
Heidi
Hello? Yes, I was fondled by our boss, and yes, I did complain about it. Though I wonder what it is about me that made you think I was one of his victims. Hrm.
He's apologising? Like he means it. That's lawyers for you; thinking that some formality can make up for emotional trauma. How fake.
Well, you've told me now, so you can be on your merry way. Find the other poor women that vile chauvinist harassed, if you must, but I doubt it'll help.
Lauren
Hi, um... what is it? The sexual harassment case? Oh... yes, I think I was one of his victims.
He's sorry? Well... I suppose that's okay. It's not like he raped me or anything. I suppose I can forgive him.
I'm sort of glad it's you and not him telling me; I couldn't bear to see that man again.
Sarah
Hiya. What? You want to sue me for sexual harassment? Eh? Oh! Right! That thing, with that guy! Yeh, I was part of that case against him, wasn't I?
He's sorry? Okay, whatever; I'd sort of forgotten all about it anyway!
I'm harassed by men all the time, you see; I can't be expected to remember them all! It's a bit demeaning, but at least I know I'm sexy!
Rebecca
That boss apologised? Finally! It's about time! He shouldn't be allowed to get away with such blatant disrespect towards women!
Well, I mean, technically, he has, and he was barely punished at all, but... hey, that's not fair at all, come to think of it!
I really hope I get some money for this later. This won't cut it alone!
Natasha
Is this about that sexual harassment thing? He totally DID grab me, I swear! Where? Where DIDN'T he grab me, that's a better question!
What? You're here to *apologise* on his behalf? But he's right in that office, right there!!
Gods, I hate men!

CALCULATIONS

(on killing a sales figure)

You've killed __ Salesfigure(s)!

ANALYSE THE LATEST TRENDS

(on collecting a piece of information)

You've collected __ piece(s) of information!

OOPS #2

(on killing a whore)

You've killed __ Whore(s)!

TROLLS

(on killing a troll)

You've killed __ Troll(s)!

Completion

(on completing a task)

The task ______ is now complete!

Chat-Up Advice

Fiona
Clarence, I heard you were going on a date? Aw, that's so sweet! I'm glad you finally met a girl who actually likes you.
You'd like some advice on how to impress her? Well, erm... you could try just being yourself! I'm sure she'll love you. You're a really nice guy... sometimes.
You could also tell her you are fond of children. Every girl likes a guy who's committed and good husband material; my girly magazines tell me so!
Tanya
If you really want to get a woman to like you, then you should try complimenting her eyes!
Women have pretty eyes, and we really like it when you tell us so! Tee-hee!
Aren't mine lovely, by the way? I really love anime, so I got eye implants so I'd have these really kawaii eyes, desu! Squee!
Bruce
Gettin' hot in here, isn't it?
But y'know what'll make any woman hot? Tellin' her she's sexy, that's what! They love to know it, and it's guaranteed to getcha some action!
'Course, they've gotta be lookers else it won't work... But buddy, why'd you have any interest in a gal if she were a minger?
Archibald
It has come to my attention that you will be attempting to woo a potential ladyfriend on this day, Clarence. I may be able to assist you in this endeavour.
My research suggests that women tend to feel rather upset by the average male's primarily sexual approach to relationships.
Therefore, you should make a point of stating that you put personality above looks. You may not get into her pants, but you will get into her heart.
Mr Wanker
Hey hey, if it isn't little Clarence, come to pay his idol a visit! Heheh. Word is, you're lookin' for advice on some date o' yours, eh?
What ya gotta do, tiger, is this. Don't hold back. Everything you're told is wrong. Tell her she's got a great rack. Just do it. She'll love it.
Y'see, men are told they shouldn't do that, but then women worry. So you gotta tell her you love 'em. That's the ticket to seein' 'em. See?
Natalie
What is it? You're going on a date? *You*? Fine, I'll humour you.
Want some advice, Tell the girl she looks dignified, and modest. A woman's elegance and dignity are her greatest treasures.
Treat a woman with great respect, and you'll get your rewards in the end. I've said my part, now go away.
Bonebert
Yer goin' on a date, y'say? I thinks I knows a things or two about that ol' thing!
Back in my day, yours truly was considered quites the charmer! I'd woo the lasses by askin' 'em if they'd ever been t' one o' them wild orgies, y'know?
Turned 'em right on, it did. 'Course, things may've changed since my day... But, I say, it worked a charm for me, it worked a ruddy charm!
Dave
Hi, uh... you're going on a date tonight, mate? Least, that's what I heard. I don't know much about dating, but lemme give you a few pointers anyway.
One thing I've learned is that girls DON'T like it if you think they're slutty! That they're all *easy*, like. Or if you try to pay 'em. Doesn't go down well.
So what you should do is compliment her on not looking slutty! Yeh, based on my experience, that'll go down a treat.

On obtaining advice:

You got some dating advice! (_/8)

Boss Dialogue

Boss
HELO THEIR ENPLOYEY HOW AER U TIHS WANDERFOL DAVE
OK LETS HAEV A C AT HOW GOOD U R HAEV BEEN DOIN AT DIS WORK 2DAY LYK MAN OK
U HAEV DUN _ UOT OFF 10 TAKSKS 2DAE SOLDEIR OK

(if 2 tasks or less)

TAHT SUX UR FIRED LOL

(if 3-9 tasks)

DATS PERTY GOD HEER U GO U R EARNEDT DESE £___ MOENY WEGES

(if 10 tasks)

WOW DATS SOPER DOED I FINK IMA GONA GIVE 2 U DAT PRONOSHON U AWASY WOTNDS LOL HER U GO
ASLO U GET £1000 DOTN SEPDN IT AL AT 1CE BEG BOY LOL
O YAEH NO U CAN HAEV DIS SOOT CUZ UR AN ECTSECUTAVE NOW DOSNT SEPDN IT ALL IN 1 PAELCE HAHA
DAEYS OBER NOW U GO HOME OK BEY
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