Sign by start
Use the arrow keys to move... obviously! And SPACE to jump.
Close messages like this using ENTER or UP!
That's it! For now, at least.
First sign in second room
Hop to it, Clarence! Use your SPACE BAR to rocket jigglingly into the sky like the rambunctious young scamp you most certainly aren't! Show those shelves a lesson in physics-defying, Tiger! Mrrowl. Hold SPACE to jump higher!
Second sign in second room
You can bounce on beds, you know! Hold SPACE while jumping on them to bounce higher into the sky, like some kind of extremely ugly eagle which is a virgin. And fat. So very fat.
First sign on platform
If for whatever reason you want to mute or unmute the music that the developer put hours upon hours of blood, sweat and passionate, soppy tears into composing, you can use the M key!
Second sign on platform
You are a very fat man, Clarence! Jumping upon a living creature will crush it to oblivion with your girth. You shouldn't let your lamps wander around like this! Why not end their enigmatic animation?
Sign by coins
It's not too wise to leave your money all over the place, attached to the thin air itself! You'll need lots of it if you're to impress your ladyfriend!
First sign in key room
Some platforms, like this shelf here, are one-way; you can jump up from below, but you can't drop through them! How they work has been boggling theological physicists for millenia!
Second sign in key room
Here be ladders! Grab them by pressing UP, and use UP or DOWN to ascend or descend, respectively. Press SPACE to jump off.
Third sign in key room
Looks like Cuddles, your cat, is free of its regular confinement! Why not put the fluffy bugger out of its misery of coexistence with you, you heartless monster? Go on, just hop on its skull. It'll crack like an egg.
Fourth sign in key room
You think nothing of leaving your ginormous golden keys all over the place, do you, Clarence, m'love? If you pick this one up and place it into your pocket, you can use it to unlock a door somewhere. Golly.
Sign on platform by start
Did you know that you can open the menu by pressing ENTER? From there, you can also use the arrow keys to see further screens which give you yet more scrumptious information about your quest!
Sign past locked door
This is a telly. As we all know, merely walking beside one will store a copy of one's soul inside it, or some such thing, allowing one to respawn at the telly's position following one's untimely demise. Myes.
First sign in room with bird
Astonishingly, you can compress your enormous bulk into a remarkably small state, and shuffle along on your fat arse like a madman. Press DOWN to duck, then use LEFT and RIGHT to waddle through tight spaces.
Second sign in room with bird
Why do you insist on letting in these insufferable wild birds, Clarencey-pie?!?
Sign by dog
Looks like your dog, Boggles, is running rampant around your room like a mad thing. Why not hand it an impromptu euthanisation by crushing its empty head 'neath your clumsy boots, you cruel, cruel oaf?
Sign by locked door
You left your pants through here, didn't you? And locked them in because you thought they were haunted? Which they aren't. You'll need a key; there are loads about, but there's a spare one somewhere in your parents' room, just so you know.
First sign in exit room
Like so many cyberland characters, Clarence, you can rejuvenate your vim by devouring the hearts of your fallen victims. Go on. Give 'em a scoff to fill up your lovely heart points and stave off death for another day.
Second sign in exit room
There's a laptop here. You've got a date today, but you've only ever talked to the girl online, briefly. These computers let you access information about her personality, to prepare you for your encounter. Remember what you read!
Third sign in exit room
Gracious! Mummy's loose! She's probably trying to clean your room with those frying pans of hers, the mad old bat. How loving are you, family-man? Does she need to be put out of her misery?
Sign by exit door
Here's a door. Enter it by using UP, just like a sign, or any other object you can interact with. Your progress will be saved every time you enter a door. You'll respawn at it if ever you meet the reaper, you fragile little sausage!
This hallway is the hub of your house. You'll need to go through your morning routine - wash in the bathroom, eat, get dressed, etc - before going to work if you don't want to appear as quite the scruffpot! Think of your ladyfriend!
Did you know, Clarence, m'love, that you can return to the Title Screen at any time by pressing the ESCAPE key twice? Well you do now. Be sure to use it responsibly, darling. You wouldn't want to make me cross, now, would you?
Sign by front door
Here's the front door. You won't be able to come back if you leave through here, so make sure you're decent before making for work! But what did you do with the front door keys? You know you left them *somewhere*...
This is your completely sensible bathroom. You can swim, you know. Just jump repeatedly in water and you'll keep going up and up. Don't forget!!! Now, hadn't you best clean your teeth and have a shower?
Your parents hired some plumbers to fix parts of the bathroom. They can be rather loutish, these blue-collar types, so watch out. Just don't let them near any mushrooms and you should be fine.
BE VERY CAREFUL! When in water, you gain buoyancy and your weight loses much of its destructive effect. That is, you can't stomp things. You must avoid them instead!
While submerging yourself in water is fine and dandy, you wouldn't want to get bonked on the head with a nasty water droplet! That kind of thing causes injuries, you know. And death. Lots and lots of casualties. So be alert and look out!
You can crawl through narrow spaces if you can stand with them at your feet, but you can't get through them if they're too high up because you can't crouch in the air! Things like this generally mean that the path is one way.
Sign in pipes
Running past a telly will turn it on, but only if it's off! Merely running by it again won't re-check it, but you can re-check it manually by pressing UP in front of it. Remember!
Sign by police
Careful! The police are in your bathroom for fairly obvious reasons. They possess firearms. Which hurt.
Sign by entrance
This is your parents' bedroom: usually forbidden to little old you, but today is a special occasion, isn't it? Who knows what embarrassing secrets await within? Probably none, though.
Sign in left area
Oh, woe! It would appear that some criminal-type ruffians have it in their minds to burgle your poor parents' plentiful possessions. What a world, what a world.
Sign in secret stash
This is your parents' secret stash of money, saved away for their future. But that's not important, is it? You've got a girl to impress! You'd better grab all the dosh your sweaty fingers can carry before anyone notices.
Sign by whore room entrance
Watch out for your dear old mother! She's literally everywhere at once!!!
Sign in whore room
Gasp! It's your father's secret Whore Room! And here you were thinking it was just a myth!
The attic. A place rarely ventured, full of old stuff long forgotten about. Perhaps there's some distant memory up here that will be useful to you in this time of need.
Sign by entrance
This is your rarely-used basement. All you'll find down here are boxes of old stuff, but perhaps there's something amongst them you can use to impress your ladyfriend? You never know! Since you were never educated! You know!
Sign in first room
Looks like there's a thriving ecosystem of life down here... Wouldn't it be silly to just go crawling through tight holes with wild abandon?
Sign in rat room
Look!! Lots of rats!!
Sign by entrance
Time to get some scrumptious nosh for your brekkie, eh? Remember, you've got a date later, so you don't want to be filling up on any old rubbish. It's best to look for something at least bordering on healthy, don't you think?
Sign in refrigerator
Icicles can't hurt you, you silly little waffle! What kind of man are you?!
...Which is to say, that though these icicles look pointy and mean, they're really just decoration. True fact, that.
Sign by entrance
This is the Living Room. Didn't you leave your keys around here somewhere? Careful, though; daddy's been at the drink again!
Sign by fire
Looks like SOMEONE left their cigarettes or molotov cocktails all over the place and started a fire! Oh well! Surely it'll go out eventually, right? And it's not like you don't have enough of these chair things. They're all over.
Sign at staircase of fathers
How many fathers do you have?!?
Sign by room with many enemies
Oh-uh! Looks like your parents are having a row about the cat and a roast chicken! You'd best stay out of this one!!!
Sign in fluffy cat room
Welcome to the fluffy cat room! Did you know that you can jump higher by bouncing off an enemy's head and holding space? Well, you can!
Item Combination Messages
On obtaining Your Shirt and Tie, Your Trousers and Your Shoes
You managed to Get Dressed!!! Good boy!!!
On obtaining Toothbrush and Toothpaste
You Cleaned Your Teeth! They're like magnificent pearls.
On obtaining Cereal and Milk
You Ate A Healthy Breakfast! That's sure to impress.
|V · D · E||Clarence's Big Chance|