This page contains the main story transcript for Clarence's Big Chance. It includes cutscene content (the intro and each of the five endings), and also text from the end of levels.
Clarence is a 35-year-old fat sack of horse manure who still lives with his parents.
He's led a lovelorn life, longing lustfully for the lady of his dreams since as long as he can recall, but the girlies never showed him any interest for some unfathomable reason.
Maybe it's because he collected (and later consumed) slugs? Maybe it's because he didn't believe in bathing? Maybe it's just because he's grotesquely obese.
Whatever the reason, they pulled faces of disgust when he was in their vicinity, these girlies, and it made Clarence a sad, sad, fat, sad man.
BUT! Halt the presses! This drought of desire flowing in his direction was quenched last night, when he managed to chat up some impressionable young lass on one o' them interweb netsites. You know the type.
He used blatant, filthy lies to woo the poor girl, of course, but in the end it won him A Real Life Date. Wowsers! His first ever! SCORE!!1
He awakens this fine Date Day rip-raring for some action, yet determined to be a Dashingly Romantic Swoonlord to rival the best of them.
It's your job to lead him through his daily routine, while preparing for this Date! Get up! Get dressed! Clean your teeth! Go to work! And so on!
He may have love on his schedule today, but he can't afford to mess up the rest of his miserable life in the process, now, can he?!
End of levels
And so Clarence, thus prepared, sets off on his way to work. He'll have to travel the streets on foot, then go through the daily grind at the office, but tonight's Date is never far from his mind!
And so Clarence arrives at work for another day's dreary drudgery to fill The Man's pockets! You'd best be sure to perform well; ladies aren't too impressed by the unemployed! Maybe you can even get that promotion...
And so Clarence, done with work, is wrought-up with anxiety, for the date draws near! The final preparations are at hand. He must head to the restaurant where he's to meet the lovely lady, but maybe he should buy some well-chosen gifts along the way...
This is it! You're here at last! The girl you've spent the whole day preparing to meet awaits through this door... Will all your hard work pay off? Now's the moment of truth!
Well, that, as they say, is that! You've done it. You've won the game. It's done. But how well did you do? This screen tells you that, doesn't it? Yes. Helpful, really.
Clarence was slightly distressed by the outcome of the date.
What point was there in going on, now? He was a failure as a human being, an utter loser, a repulsive ogre of a thing. Not a soul could love such a thing as he.
The love of his life forever beyond his grasp, Clarence decided that this world was no longer one for him.
He stood beside a nearby lake, sighed deeply, and, with tears filling his eyes, decided it was time to put an end to it all...
Clarence sunk like a stone. He tried to clear his mind of any regrets as his lungs filled with-
Wait. It was at this point that Clarence realised he'd made yet another stupid mistake.
He was for some unfathomable reason immune to drowning, just like he had been for the entire game! My, how silly!
He sank slowly down to the lake bottom, too weary to do aught else, and found quite a surprise waiting for him.
He was not alone down here! Surrounding him were a crowd of bedraggled-looking men, all of whom seemed to be bachelors just like himself.
They recognised him as one of their own, and explained that they, too, had each been unlucky in love and life and had tried ending it all, just like him, only to realise that they too were immune to water's ravages.
The world above's a harsh, hard place, they said, but who needs love and women, anyway, when we've got eachother, down here?
Comforted by the words of his fellow unlucky bachelors, these kindred spirits, and frustrated by the world he'd left behind, Clarence decided to stay at the bottom of the lake.
He spent his remaining days living amongst these misfits of men, finally knowing what it was like to be treated as an equal, to be valued, at long last.
It wasn't quite the ending he was hoping for, however. The girl who'd rejected him continued to occupy a majority of his thoughts, and he wished that he'd only been better prepared, more suave, more attractive...
Then things would be different, he was sure they would be...
Only then would his heart lack this huge hole, through which all his passion, his spirit, his soul, slowly drained away, leaving him a mere empty shell of a man...
If only he could change the past! But maybe you, O player, can?
Crushed, Clarence decided that the dating business wasn't for him after all.
He'd survived this long without a woman in his life, he thought, so he'd do well enough without one in future, too!
Anyway, he still had his computer. His only friend. That could give him anything a woman would, anyway, he thought.
He spent many a sombre night reading online life updates from his lost love, longing lonelily for what could have been...
If only he'd put in more effort! Collected more coins! Paid more attention to what he said, or what she'd said! If only! If only...
He watched her live and love and laugh and cry, always from afar, always alone, always wishing he could change how he'd acted on that one fateful day...
But maybe it could have been different, eh? Maybe you, O player, can make wrongs right, with a bit more effort.
Despite his best efforts, Clarence proved unable to win over this lovely lady's heart. While this left him feeling rather sombre, it can't be said it came as a surprise.
However, he didn't repulse her entirely! The two became shallow friends, and actually stayed in contact for a while.
The girl introduced Clarence to some of her friends, hoping that he'd be able to hit it off with one of them if not with her.
These encounters never really seemed to go all that well, though.
Clarence's passion had waned due to his earlier failure, and he never felt that any other girl could fill the hole in his heart that he'd missed his chance to fill.
And, of course, the girls he went out with found him generally repulsive anyway for fairly obvious reasons.
Clarence kept trying, but his heart was never in it, for it belonged only to the girl he'd failed to woo... Perhaps, if only things had been different, he'd have found true satisfaction after all...
And maybe, if you try harder next time, O player, then they could be? Different, that is. Maybe Clarence can find the true love he longs for after all?
The girl left Clarence that night on good terms, and both genuinely looked forward to their next date.
When that next encounter came, however, it was not quite what the girl had hoped. Surely because Clarence hadn't taken the time to rigorously stalk her, unlike before.
They decided that no love would blossom between them, that their partnership was not meant to be. They parted as friends, and stayed in touch for a while.
While not entirely successful in itself, the experience left Clarence feeling far more confident, more willing and able to chat up yet more ladygirls so as to try to worm his way into their tender little hearts.
Whether or not he ever found the love he longed for is, however, a tale for another time.
But he never forgot that foxy lady from his first date, as she'd burrowed her own special place in his heart, and simply refused to leave.
Perhaps in another lifetime he was more successful with her? Maybe that is something you can still yet see...
It was a wonderful evening for both Clarence and his lovely ladyfriend; a success of the highest degree.
Love was in their eyes and hearts and various other body parts. Both thought they'd finally found what they'd longed for; she'd found that elusive Mr Right, while he now had a girl who'd so much as talk to him.
Let's ignore the fact that Clarence only got this far through dirty lies and meticulous stalking; they're happy now, so don't ruin it for them!
All in all, Clarence was somewhat pleased with the outcome of the evening.
Many such evenings followed, and their bond grew ever deeper, amazingly enough. Clarence found that repeating what he'd learned of her and nodding a lot tended to help.
They got married shortly after, and it was the happiest day of their lives. The festivities were ebullient, and the honeymood[sic], amazingly wild.
Miraculously, they spent their remaining days together, this awkward ogre and this fair maiden, and they lived happily ever after. It was lovely.
Now let's watch them walking merrily along together, hand in hand, as they go for a pleasant stroll to end the game!
- Clarence's House/Transcript
- Generic Company Building/Transcript
- Streets at Night/Transcript
- Fancy Restaurant/Transcript
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